eternitycoder | [musebox post]

Nah, everyone knows me. Or most of me. I'm the fun chem major and sometimes ditzy Cali boy who, if you get enough Screwdrivers in me and happen to be a hot guy, can sometimes be talked into making out on the dance floor.

[Of course, Rikku's more than that, but that's what everyone else knows]

You see? Much more interesting than the self-proclaimed Renaissance Man with three majors from Ireland who does nothing in his spare time. People admire people who are smarter than they are, but they never like them.

[He looks slightly put out by something.] I wouldn't last five minutes in a place where people make out while dancing.

[In European Spanish, very softly:] I like you.

[In English:] Well, that's only at the Abbey. Ricky's got no dancefloor.

[Artemis blinks. Yes, he does speak that. Artemis had his foreign language requirement done before he'd even arrived.]

What?

[Rikku's family was from Spain, but he was born in America, so. He's just unused to people understanding him when he speaks it, since the accent is different from Calinish (his term for California Spanish)]

I said Ricky's dance floor is crap.

Right... [Not what he meant, but if Rikku wasn't going to own up to it...]

Well, I like you as well. [Artemis was going to make him.] Which is fortunate, given we live together.

...Crap, you're European.

[He laughs a little, shaking his head at his stupidity before biting his lip and looking in Arty's direction. Might as well.]

I...kinda meant it a little differently than just that...

[He's tense and waiting, just a little. Some straight guys can't stand living with a guy who has a crush on them.]

Yes...? [In fact, Artemis' first second language was French. Spanish followed closely after, then Japanese, Russian, German...]

Differently. [Artemis is clearly lost here. And really, given the boy doesn't have many friends, it's not hard to figure out why.] Differently as in, you have romantic feelings towards me?

Hey, I forget! And, um, maybe? Yes? Probably?

[He looks away]

Oh... [Artemis looks like he doesn't know what to do with that. This is the first time someone's said something to him like this. Did he say, 'Okay'? Or 'Why?' Or... seriously, what was he supposed to say?]

What about all of those ah, men you make out with on dance floors? [It isn't accusatory--Artemis just genuinely thought that Rikku liked other people. It wasn't as though all gay men liked every man they saw.]

I haven't danced with anyone for a few months now. I've been going for the drinks and to play wingman for my English professor's old TA since she's been flirting with the bartender for forever.

[Arty doesn't like him, he knew it, he's probably going to have to move out and back in with Yuna and Tidus and dammit why did he say anything]

Besides, I gotta be drunk for that. I'm pretty shy normally.

[Part of him wants to point out how ridiculous it is that a woman is going to hit on a bartender at a gay bar, but there are other issues at hand right now.]

Really? [Artemis tilts his head slightly.] Are you always drunk? You seem fairly outgoing when you're at home. Or... is that for me?

[The bartender's female too, otherwise Rikku would've stopped it long ago]

No, I mean with like...kissing and stuff. I flirt and tease and dance but unless I'm drunk I don't actually kiss anyone on the dance floor. I'm fun, but I'm not easy.

No, I wasn't implying you were easy! [He looks at the fire briefly, looking nervous. He really wasn't doing very well with this. He hadn't even addressed what Rikku had confessed.]

I'm... very bad at this. [He frowns and sighs sadly.] I don't know what I am Rikku. You're so comfortable in your sexuality and I just... I feel like I'm stumbling around in a dark room. I don't know what it feels like to have romantic feelings towards someone. It's still hard to know when I feel like being someone's friend. It's frustrating sometimes.

But I've never kissed anyone, never held hands, never hugged. I haven't even masturbated once. [Which Artemis would die before telling anyone else, but Rikku hadn't kept secrets from Artemis about his life. Artemis figures he shouldn't keep secrets either.] I'm jealous.

[Rikku smiles and reaches out to take Artemis's hand]

You're doing really good, though! You figured out that French girl in the library was flirting with me!

[He snorts, but lets Rikku take his hand as though it's nothing.] It was obvious. She kept overriding all of your fines and extending your due dates despite library policy. And the one time I went to go renew your book that one time you were sick, we argued until I pointed out whose book it was.

It also helped that she thought I couldn't speak French and kept muttering, 'That ass' whenever you walked away from the desk. [He rolls his eyes.] It wasn't difficult.

Still, I'm calling it progress.

[A beat]

D'you think you might be bi?

Bisexual would be a step up from asexual. One of the girls in the same section of independent study mathematics said I was a 'frigid asexual trap' when I declined her invitation to her roommate's party. [And he might have also told her that he wasn't interested in dating in not-so-gentle terms.] It made sense for a while.

...Trap? Like, dude looks like a lady?

[Wat]

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with being ace either.

I think she was accusing me of 'luring her in' without intent to deliver. [He sighs, laying his head on the pillow and looking at Rikku. This is clearly something Artemis has struggled with. He's a genius, and all academics come easily to him, but he's never been easy to figure out. Even Artemis has trouble figuring himself out.]

Humans should have a desire to reproduce, to be social, to be close to another human. Being asexual sounds as though it means I'm... defective. Or I hate people.

[Rikku will find this girl and he will blow something of hers up]

Arty, if reproduction was a thing humans should want, we wouldn't have gay people. The other stuff, yeah sure, but being asexual doesn't mean you don't want that or you're defective. It just means you don't want sex.

Some gay couples adopt. They feel a desire to have a family, raise offspring even if they haven't actually borne it. Some gay penguins have been documented as raising chicks that technically aren't theirs. [He'd been a little touched by that, and thought for about two seconds that maybe he could adopt a lost metaphorical penguin chick.]

And not wanting sex would make relationships hard. Everyone wants to have sex. It seems like every time I walk through the commons someone mentions sex. Closeness is important. You would want to be close with someone, wouldn't you?

[He feels a funny twinge in his chest as the realization comes to him.] You wouldn't want someone like me if that's what I'm like. You'd be frustrated and sad with me if I couldn't give you what you wanted. [Artemis has a pained look on his face for almost thirty seconds before he realizes his face is making his thoughts very plain right now. He squeezes Rikku's hand and looks down at his chest.] I don't want to see you sad.

First, using the commons as an example is a bad idea. This is college, Arty.

[Seriously. He squeezes Artemis's hand back]

Second...if we did start dating and it turned out you were ace, we could figure something out. Friends always do, y'know, and no matter what, you're my best friend on this coast. If you don't like me back, if you do, if you do and you don't want sex, if you decide to go live with the penguins, you're my best friend here.

...you're too nice, Rikku. [Artemis swallows.] You know, when you started coming back home from your clubs with these other men, when you came home drunk, I didn't care. But the more we talked, the more you drank milk right out of the carton, and made me smell all these strange experiments, and shivered and asked to borrow my sweaters... I couldn't not care anymore. I didn't know what it was at first, and then I thought perhaps we were friends and I was concerned.

...and then that that French girl whispered she was going to have sex with you behind the circulation desk and I told her you were taken. [He's still staring at Rikku's chest, almost glaring now.] I didn't say "thank you for your time", I said you were unavailable and that she should fire whoever does her fake looking highlights. And I reasoned I did that because we were friends and that girl was insufferable.

I didn't think that maybe I thought all of this because I hated the thought of you coming home with someone else. Or potentially being asked to step out while you had sex with someone else. I dreaded that, and I always found some reason aside from 'maybe there's something new going on'.

But I hate those possibilities even more now...

[Not "oh, he's gay". Arty told the girl that he was taken. It's that part that really gets Rikku. Most guys would've just told the truth. He tugs Artemis a little closer]

Y'know, I stopped bringing guys home after Thanksgiving. I stopped looking. They weren't what I wanted. I mean, I still flirt when I go out 'cause it's me and that's just what I do but...I'm not interested in them. None of 'em really clicked with me, and I couldn't find that something in them that made me want a relationship. They were fun guys to sleep with, but they weren't...

[He trails off]

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